| | You are there, still there, ghost.
Plaguing my cloudy nights and darkening the glow of the city's lights. You've muted my heart into heaviness, along with all my own insecurities and prejudices that only weigh me down and stir up confusion. I'm reduced to the awkward fumblings of a self I struggled to fit into, 7 years ago. The calls, the hanging up, the heartbeats that commence, and the silence that finishes off the night. So young, so un-young, so strange, so alien. Liminal emotional time that reverberates with the warning echoes of everything precarious that might shatter and slice into my ordered existence. Is this how it all ends? A petering out, a dissipation, a vapor's exhalation into the black night sky? A cloud to fade into all other clouds, a wisp of dew breathing tears onto my cheek, a blink and we are an ache that I have no right to be feeling...an ache fading, lasting, fading, longing...I am a coward and I hate myself more for it, I am judgemental and shallow and I hate myself more for it, we all are too...you are...there are wants that I will not let myself become part of, will not sell out, will not stoop to these lows.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't to be taken in and then driven away. It wasn't even a driving though, it's a choice I have made...but a choice triggered by others. Maybe the choice was made in your silent response, for no answer is an answer stronger than any other words. Nine months of wandering, and I am home to a home that isn't home at all. Nine months of wondering, and neither yes or no will suffice...it could never be that simple, there could be no clean-cut ending - no ending at all except the drawn-out fading that I have chosen.
But there are other things that I have chosen. Things that scare me too, because maybe I've come to believe that I can never have anything but that which will end, and so I choose to seal my demise. Unnecessarily and prematurely, and endings are always of my own volition...somehow.
there are lights on the horizon blinking red and high,
there is rock hard beneath my fingers
beneath the cold there flows a warmth
and a tension in my head i cannot breath
the way i wish i could be
alone and fulfilled alone and content
i cannot bring myself to be
and so fingers twine in the chill of the evening air and the clouds -
the clouds are the fog of my head and the tightness in my shoulders
and there are so many laughs and so many smiles and so many arms
that i lean into in my leaning into this one, and it's too much to explain
if you could be everyone and no one to me
i go through all your names, and i've given me all away
too many places and too many faces and too many eyes that i've smiled into
not these awkward paces, hurried slow, fumbling, wanting
and i'm not giving this away. i'm sorry.
all your names take me away.
and i'm missing you
and i'm missing you
and all i can say is that i should
run away to a place where i could blame seperation on neither of us
and then i'd find a new love to hold me deep
and it'd be okay.
but you ran your fingers through my hair that last morning as i lay
in the crook of your arm and we said nothing
and that touch was all i ever needed to know
to believe that you did care
and that knowledge would let me
carry on.
carry on.
(wings unfurled to the wind
another shadow slipping across the world)
There's a scent lingering in the toss of my hair, it shouldn't be there. It's unreal. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake into yester-year and re-live the torture and break through into something better. Something simpler, like love.
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| | Posted 9/21/2008 11:35 PM - 186 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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