| | The rains, they come and go - like tears, like laughter (these too shall pass).
Another Christmas passes.
I'm alone in this bedroom, stripped bare, rumpled, tousled, silent. We lay curled into a union that would be confusion, would be betrayal, would be anger and a trust falling apart. I knew. And yet, and yet...and yet I do not understand. I came searching for the things he spoke of. I saw, I thought I understood, thought I was above it all.
and yet, in the blasting of chill air, in the microfiber white softness that blankets sin, like lies we hide.
the truth is there, it it unspoken and denied. in the witching hours, we are other people. naked
souls, naked in the dark where we can shed our hardened shells and see with touch and whispers.
when we might be more real and true, and no one that we would ever profess to be.
beneath the sarcasm, the scorn. could we be frail and human? perhaps?
affirm me with gentle touch. the daylight scatters this knowing. we'll never speak. never admit.
and maybe i'll never know,
how to distinguish what was true from twisted.
or understand why. why lies were even necessary at all.
and if words can never be trusted, should touch be able to say it all?
there's a gentleness that fades into the sunrise and the morning. a softness behind a smirk. a lostness and a longing. stare into the distance and show the weight on your mind. maybe it's hate, and maybe i'll hurt but i can
never
help
caring
but i'm still a coward, and what is the use? the facades, could they be real? the charades be more than play? i'd like to think not, but again. there is no use. (imaginary?) needs that i only wish to touch and fill somehow...
i'm not even looking for love. i just want to be allowed to care.
tiredness (and possibly alcohol) weighs me down, heavy-lidded. the rain falls in waves of light patter, swells to downpour, seems to be the only animate thing in the dead of night sans myself. how many hours has it been? when we shut off the lights, turned off the tv and let the night sway us where it would. where we would. where i would. when i woke up and walked out of a chain of nights that left me sitting here, needing to leave, wanting to stay - wanting to know why? and how? and then i'll go. i'll go.
it's been 11 days since i stepped into this house.
glass frame, black and white stare, stories we've fragmented and pieced back together. deceptions, misconceptions, the facets that build up but fail to sparkle in the misguidedness of our collective pathetic beautiful humanity. the defenses we build up, the chinks we let our need through, the cracks where the sighs and tears slip through. you can do better. you deserve better. i hear. i listen. i'm powerless.
"hurt. teddy bear. care. love. i hate him. liar. scary smart. an interesting character. you intimidate. won't let a man win. bigger. older. smarter. reversal."
there's so much pain. so much pain. i wish i could hold you. and you. and you. i wish i knew you. |
| | Posted 12/26/2008 5:58 AM - 133 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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